The Day I Know Who You Are, 2007


Last September 2006, my father was brutally murdered by thieves and killers. He was shot 3 times in the head and once in his body with a .45cal gun.  The source of my life and the solid wall I was used to leaning on was gone.  That was a very difficult time in my life.  Fear gripped me, I couldn't even watch a movie with shooting in it.  I would squirm and I was propelled to hide and be withdrawn.  Unable to operate with freedom in my art, I struggled with it for months, finding ways of eluding or avoiding it. 

I grew tired and weary.  Then, inside my commitment of being fully self-expressed, I searched for freedom and looked into processing my fear. 

I read a book on the artist, Niki de Saint Phalle, who shot at her paintings to release her anger.  I mustered the courage to face my fear of violence.  Last March 2007, I went to a shooting range while on vacation.  I shot a gun similar to the one that killed my father. 

Is violence a fact and a part of human earthly life?  Yes, and I was angry.  Seeing the paint splatter like blood and feeling the force of recoil upon my arms provided me catharsis.  A sense of peace and acceptance pervaded.  The experience allowed me to view the act of shooting as separate and distinguished from the experience and feelings over my father's death, even for just a moment. I am Marked Forever